


That Question Again

by smalltrolven



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angsty Schmoop, Epic Love, Established Relationship, Explanations, M/M, Questioning, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-24 10:35:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 8,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6150801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smalltrolven/pseuds/smalltrolven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why do I stay with him?  The answer Sam gives himself is always the same. Explaining the answer to others when he is asked, is not always easy. Until Dean asks the same question himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not my characters, only my words. Written for the 2016 samwinchester-bigbang. My undying thanks for the wonderful beta job as usual, amypond45. Big kudos to my artist milly -gal who was such an enthusiastic cheerleader for this fic, you made it so much more fun to keep writing!

_ _

_I am yours._

_Don’t give myself back to me. - Rumi_

 

They’re driving back to the Bunker after they stumbled out of the entrance to Hell. In Keneshaw, Nebraska of all places. He still can’t believe they all made it out of there in one piece. All three of them in the Cage and all three of them escaped relatively unharmed. No one’s soul left behind as far as he can tell. It seems too good to be true. Sam looks over at Dean, driving like always and is so damn thankful that his brother is still there. Still alive.

 

That reminds him of the huge risk both Dean and Cas just took to rescue him. Either of them could have died tonight. The thought of that awful possibility barely being avoided sets Sam off on an all-too familiar path of thinking. _If it wasn’t for me, none of this ever would have happened. They wouldn’t have had to risk going to Hell and facing Lucifer._ All he can see is Lucifer holding his brother up against the wall of the Cage, choking him to death, taunting Sam with his impotence to do a damn thing about it. 

 

He closes his eyes tightly and tries to avoid bursting into tears. The burden of a tearful breakdown would be too much to ask from Dean tonight. He can’t do that. With his eyes closed he can make himself concentrate, walk through his senses to calm down. He smells the familiar Impala funk, old coffee cups, Dean’s aftershave, old leather. He lets it wash over him, thinks of how many years he’s been smelling this particular combination of scents. Sam remembers the Cage and how the absence of smell had been so alarming. But he’s here now, he reminds himself. He’s here, on Earth, with Dean, in the Impala, their home. He is not with Lucifer. He did not say yes, he did not give in. He said no this time.

 

The lull of the Impala’s engine and Dean’s companionable silence gives him time to think over everything that’s happened which he’s grateful for. He watches his brother through barely-slitted eyes, pretending sleep so that he doesn’t feel compelled to talk.  Being back in Hell, in Lucifer’s presence, paraded through his memories like some grim shit show of his worst failures, all of it presses in on him. But Dean came for him, like he always does, like he’d taunted Lucifer. He knew his brother would show up. He knew that Dean wouldn’t just leave him there.

 

Sam lets himself drift a little closer to sleep on thoughts of Dean, how brave he was marching back into Hell. How god damn glad he’d been when Dean was at his side in the Cage. How it made it all okay, just having him there. It’s something beyond just loving Dean, or needing him that causes that feeling, there’s more to it than just that. Dean isn’t perfect, not by a long shot. He’s stubborn and violent and impulsive. _But so am I_ , Sam chides himself.

 

Over their life together Sam’s asked himself this many times. _Why do I stay with him?_ And the answer is always the same; because Dean is everything.  It’s simple, one word summing up something that can’t possibly be summarized. It’s when he’s had to try to explain it to others that it’s been a problem. 

 

As he slips deeper into sleep’s embrace, all the times that he’s had to do that explaining of his decision to stay with his brother come flooding back into his memory. Something must have gotten jiggled loose in his brain in Hell, maybe being that close to Lucifer again broke something in Sam again. But the parade of conversations wash over him, unbidden and unstoppable. All of them revolving around that same question. 

 

_Why do I stay with him? Why do you stay with him, Sam?_

 

Asked and answered over and over. 

_He’s everything…everything…everything…._


	2. Chapter 2

_ _

_1.20 “Dead Man’s Blood”_

_A conversation with John Winchester_

 

After they’re done laughing about the college fund spent on ammo, John got a serious look on his face and cleared his throat.

 

Sam looked up, concerned at the change in mood.

 

“Sam, I wanted to ask you something. It’s about you and Dean.”

  
Sam’s heart fell straight through the worn-out motel carpet, through the floor and back up in a swoop to land in his stomach. He fought to maintain some semblance of control. How the hell could his father know? They’d only been back together a few days. What had they given away?

 

“Yeah, what about us?” Sam asked, trying to keep any sort of challenging tone out of his voice.

 

His father scrutinized him closely for a moment. “I was wondering what your plans were. Are you going back to finish college?”

 

“I…uh, I don’t really know. There hasn’t been much time to think about it this past year. I mean, I want to go back at some point, I guess. But seeing through killing this demon is all I can concentrate on right now.”

 

“Okay, well, I just wanted to make sure that…well, it’s like this son, Dean didn’t take it too well when you left the first time. And after this year hunting with you, I’m not sure what it’ll do to him the second time around.”

 

“I know, Dad. I promise it’ll go better for Dean, or I’ll make him come with me or something.”

 

“I’d like to see that, Dean in college,” John scoffed, laughing harshly.

 

“Dean could kick their asses. He’s smarter than most of the people I met at Stanford,” Sam protested, bristling at the casual dismissiveness, the assumption that Sam would laugh along with him. 

 

John wisely shut up at that point after catching the look of do-you-wanna-go-there flashing in Sam’s eyes. Sam sighed and leaned back into his chair, relieved that his Dad at least hadn’t figured out how things had changed between his sons.

 

“So, why have you stayed with him this long, Sammy? I would’ve thought you’d gone right back to school by now.”

 

“It’s Sam.  And I couldn’t, not after we started working together and it was one case after another.”

 

“So you did miss him,” John said, sounding absurdly triumphant. “I thought you would.”

 

“What the hell, Dad! Of course I missed him! He’s everything to me. Why would you think I wouldn’t?” Sam asked in a blind fury, fed up with his father’s assumptions.

 

“Settle down, settle down. I was just going based on what Dean told me back then. He was convinced you wouldn’t miss us one bit. I swear that was the biggest part of what made it so hard on him.”

 

“I missed him every damned day. I didn’t miss the hunting.”

 

“I knew you two would make a good team, once you grew into working with each other.”

 

“Well, you were right.”

 

“Look, son. I just brought all this up, because I always asked Dean to look out for you. But now I want to ask you to do the same for him. And that includes when you decide to leave again.”

 

“Well, like I said, that’s not a ‘when,’ it’s an ‘if’ I leave again. And yeah, Dad, you can count on me. I’ve got Dean’s back, ’til the end.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

_ _

_3.11 Mystery Spot_

_A conversation with The Trickster(Gabriel)_

 

“You said this is what life’s going to be like without Dean. And I get that, believe me I do. I learned the lesson, I swear I did.  But that’s why I’m begging you. Give him back to me, please. I can’t…” Sam broke down even further, openly sobbing, unable to care that he was begging help from his tormentor.

 

The Trickster paused whatever he was going to say and shook his head. “You’re even worse off than I thought, dude.  Why do you even stay with him after all this?”

 

“How can you ask me that? You see what I’m like without him. I…need Dean, nothing works without him.”

 

“He’s just your brother, Sam,” the Trickster chided.

 

“No, you’re right, he’s not just my brother. He’s everything—to me. Everything,” Sam looked up at the Trickster, putting his heart and soul out there for him to see. 

 

Gabriel flinched at the sight of Sam’s raw emotion.  “I get it now. I didn’t know it was like that for you too.”

 

“Me too?” Sam asked, surprised at the fond tone in the Trickster’s voice.

 

“Long story, that I don’t feel like telling right now. But, like I said, I get where you’re coming from, personal experience or whatever. So, fine, I’ll bring him back. But, don’t forget this lesson Sam, you’re going to be in the same jam in just a few months when Dean’s deal comes due. And I can’t help you with that. Just try and prepare yourself for that or something is all I’m saying.”

 

“He’s not going to Hell, I won’t let him,” Sam insisted.

 

“Saying it in a firm voice, as cute as that is, won’t make it come true, sorry. He’s going because that’s what’s supposed to happen. There’s no changing that.”

 

“I don’t believe in fate or destiny,” Sam said.

 

“I happen to know those chicks. They don’t give a rat’s ass if you do or don’t believe in ‘em.  It’s still going down, Dean is headed downstairs. So you need to make sure you can survive it when he’s gone for real. That was the whole point of this exercise.”

 

“But I can’t, I mean you saw what I turned into. What am I supposed to do?” Sam asked.

 

“That’s not something I can help you with. I don’t know, find a focus, something besides Dean,” the Trickster suggested.

 

“But you’ll bring him back to me?” Sam asked.

 

“Yeah, yeah, you’ll get him back. But remember, it’s just for a few months. Just don’t go off the rails like this next time, okay?”

 

“I’ll…I’ll try,” Sam said. Thankful that he seemed to have gotten through to the Trickster, and not willing to think about the end of Dean’s deal coming all too soon. He needed his brother back first.

 


	4. Chapter 4

_ _

_4.16 “On the Head of a Pin”_

_A conversation with Castiel_

 

Sam’s demand of a “Miracle Now” still hung in the air between them. He knew making demands of an angel was a bad idea. Especially one that seemed so strangely fixated on his brother.  But he owed Dean at least to give it a try. Cas was their only ally in this. Maybe. If he even was an ally. It had been so hard to tell over the last few months.

 

“Sam, if you leave Dean in my care, I promise, he will be healed. I will find another angel to help. One that is not as depleted as I am.”

 

“I’m not leaving him in your care or anyone else’s. He’s my brother. Mine. Not yours.”

 

“Why do you continue to stay with him, Sam? You claim to no longer need him.”

 

“How did you?” Sam asked, flabbergasted that Cas seemed to know about the fight he and Dean had for the pleasure of the siren.

 

“He is still my charge. And I continue to monitor what occurs surrounding him.”

 

“Cas, if you’re so damn busy monitoring him, then how the hell did he end up like that?” Sam pointed angrily at the closed hospital door, behind which his brother was in agony that the painkillers couldn’t touch.  “I stay with him because he is everything to me.”

 

“He is your brother, Sam,” Castiel said, not elaborating further, but that definitely sounded like a rebuke or a warning.

 

“Yes he is my brother. But like I said he is everything to me, it goes beyond just being my brother. And that is something that won’t ever change, no matter what else is happening. So you need to get this, Dean is my responsibility. Just like I’m his. That’s how it is. And you are not the one who he’s going to want to be there for him to pick up all the pieces he’s in right now. I’m the one who’ll put him back together, not you.”

 

The angel looked at him, implacable and supremely unemotional. He seemed to be weighing the point of arguing further. Castiel shrugged and vanished in the usual waft of feathers and old incense. Sam leaned his head against Dean’s hospital door and closed his eyes, relieved that he didn’t have to really try and fight an angel.

 


	5. Chapter 5

_ _

_6.16 “And Then There Were None”_

_A conversation with Samuel Campbell_

 

“You know, I wondered why the hell you wanted to go find your brother. I see it now though, he’s a hell of a fighter.”

 

“He’s a hell of a lot more than that.”

 

“Is that why you stay with him?”

 

Sam paused in examining the long hallway. “What are you asking exactly, Samuel?”

 

Samuel stepped up next to him and examined his face. “You love him, right?”

 

“Course I do, he’s my brother. He’s everything to me.”

 

“It’s more than that though. I can see how you look at each other. It’s how Deanna and I were. Loving someone so deeply changes everything. Your priorities, what you’ll defend or sacrifice. 

Sam, I’m not sorry for what I did, working with Crowley. But I think you understand why.”

 

“Yeah, I do actually. I’d have done the same for Dean. If I’d had my soul.”

 

“I’m glad that I got a chance to meet you with your soul. You’re a good man, Sam. I was worried about you, but I see you’re going to be okay. Because you and Dean have each other to get through this life. It’s hard, but it’s worth it when you have someone at your side like him.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

_ _

_7.09 “How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters”_

_A conversation with Bobby Singer_

 

The conversation stalled for a little bit after Bobby called Sam a ‘deep little son-of-a-bitch,' but then he kept it going.

 

“Hey Sam, now that you’re better. Or somewhat better. What’s the plan, you and Dean sticking together or what?”

 

“How do you mean, Bobby?”

 

“Well, your brother got a taste of being a real person there for a while with Lisa and Ben, and I just wondered if you were ever going to try that at some point for yourself? Or maybe Dean would want to again himself.”

 

“The only reason he even did that was because I asked him to, Bobby. You and I both know that there’s nothing for us that’s ever gonna be normal. So, as far as I know, he’s stuck with me, and I’m just fine being stuck with him.”

 

“You two gonna register at Macy’s any time soon then?”

 

“Bobby!” Sam yelled in surprise at Bobby just putting that out there so baldly. Surely he didn’t know the real truth about them. Sam decided he was going to pretend he was joking.

 

“Just kiddin’ ya, kid. But listen, when I pass on, which hopefully ain’t gonna be for a while, 

the house and stuff is going to you guys. And I hope you two will use it like a home base, and slow down at some point. Want you to have a chance at some sort of life where you’re not covered in blood and monster guts.”

 

“Bobby, you’re not going anywhere, but, uh thanks for that. It’s good to know that’ll be there for us at some point. Like you said, far in the future, yeah?”

 

“You ever think about why you stay with Dean?”

 

“Besides the obvious, that he’s my brother and my hunting partner?”

 

“Yeah, I mean, most of us split up and can’t stand each other after we’ve hunted for a while together. Look at me and Rufus.”

 

“Well, you know how we were raised to be a team, right? That’s just kind of carried on, and gotten much stronger. Besides, too much has happened to let that all go when someone leaves their wet, balled-up dirty socks in someone else’s duffel bag a time too many. The way we are together, we’re good, at least I think we are. We can count on each other because we know the whole story of well, everything.”

 

“Everything?”

 

“I know Dean’s story, and he knows mine. And no one else really does, or ever could.”

 

“That’s pretty deep, but like I said, you always were a deep little son-of-a-bitch.”

 

“Thanks, Bobby.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

_ _

_8.02 “What’s Up Tiger Mommy?”_

_A conversation with Kevin Tran_  

 

“I’m still having a little trouble understanding something, Sam,” Kevin asked while they waited for Dean to come back with another hamburger to go.

 

“What’s that, Kev?” Sam asked, absent-mindedly watching Dean rocking up and down while he waited.

 

“Well, what was the deal? You know, when you didn’t look for me,” Kevin asked.

 

Sam sighed and turned around to look Kevin in the eye.  “I said I was sorry. I don’t know if I can explain what happened. You were all just gone and I fixed up the car and ran. It was too much to lose all at once.”

 

“So it wasn’t me then. You were just what, mourning Dean or something?”

 

“Yeah, something like that. I was pretty sure he’d died there, and he’s—well, he’s everything to me. So my world kind of imploded along with Dick.”

 

“But the woman and the dog that Dean keeps bitching about, what was the story with them?”

 

“I guess you could say, they were what kept me alive long enough so that Dean had someone to come back to.”

 

“Crowley tried to explain you two to me, while he was holding me. But now I get it. You really mean it when you say he’s everything to you.”

 

“Yeah, yeah I do.”

 

Dean arrived then to break up the increasingly uncomfortable questions, but Kevin seemed happy with the answers that he’d gotten out of Sam. 

 


	8. Chapter 8

_8.17 “Goodbye Stranger”_

_A conversation with Meg_

 

“You know, when I first met you, Sam, I really questioned your sanity. You know, why you even stayed with him. The way he was carting you around like luggage and all.”

 

“Who, Dean? I stay with him, because he’s my brother, and we’re a team.”

 

“Oh, but it’s a whole lot more than that, Sam, be honest now. I mean c’mon, I told you about my unicorn.”

 

“Fine, yeah, he’s everything to me. How’s that for an answer?”

 

“Gag, but yeah, seems a bit more honest.  At first I didn’t see that, but after I got to know you, it made a whole lot more sense.”

 

“You mean, after you possessed me, right?”

 

“Details, details. But yeah, seeing it from the inside, so to speak, was an eye-opener. The way he refused to kill you, flat out, even though I made you kill that hunter and I was going to make you…”

 

“Yeah, skip that detail, would you? I don’t need to remember Jo that way.”

 

“Anyway, you and Dean, it makes sense to me now. After all these years of seeing you guys. And seeing how you’ve stuck with each other. Gives a girl hope, you know?”

 

“You’re not a girl, Meg,” Sam growled. “You’re a demon.”

 

“Yeah, I am. But I vaguely remember being a girl. And you and your brother, well now that’s something to aspire to. Having that kind of thing with someone. You guys make it seem worthwhile is what I’m saying.”

 

“Thanks, I guess. You gonna try for something like that with Cas?”

 

“That remains to be seen, let’s just say I’m keeping my options open.” 

 


	9. Chapter 9

_ _

_8.20 “PacMan Fever”_

_A conversation with Charlie Bradbury_

 

“Sam, before we leave, I want to ask you something. You know how I told you guys I read the books, you know, the ones about you and Dean.”

 

“Ugh, not more about those, please, Charlie, no,” Sam laughed.

 

“Yeah, well, I read the ones online too, they ended after you jumped in the Pit to save the whole world.  And by the way, I really meant a sincere thank you for that, I don’t think that came across before.”

 

“Uh, you’re welcome.”

 

“Anyway, I just want to ask you something about you and Dean.”

 

Sam’s stomach clenched with the thought of having to lie to her about his relationship with Dean. She has come to feel like his little sister, and he didn’t want to have to be dishonest, not about something so important.  “Yeah, go ahead, shoot.”

 

“So, can you tell me what makes you stay with him? You seemed like, if the books were right that is, that you and he had gotten to a more equal place. And that doesn’t…”

 

“It’s that noticeable, huh?”

 

Charlie nodded but didn’t say anything.

 

Sam took a deep breath while he thought about how to answer. “Yeah, that equality thing kinda went out the window with what happened afterward. And I’m okay with it, for now. I mean, I understand why things between Dean and me kinda went backwards. Let’s just say we’re working our way back towards that.”

 

“Is that what you doing the Trials is all about? I mean, instead of Dean.”

 

Sam tilted his head, stopped by her pointed question. Because she was right and he hadn’t really thought of it until now. But proving himself to Dean by following through with this challenge is how he feels like he could get back to a place where he could demand they try that equal thing again.  “Partly that, but don’t tell him, okay?  Mostly it’s because I was the one that happened to kill the Hellhound that night.”

 

“Was that the first Trial?”

 

“Yeah, and it was gross, you should have seen all the black blood everywhere.”

 

“Had enough Leviathan goo, thanks.”

 

“So, were you asking about me and Dean for a specific reason?” Sam asked, actually hoping with a small part of himself that she’d come right out and ask so he can take a stab at being honest. It would be awesome to have just one person in his life know the whole truth, besides Dean that was.

 

“I just wanted to ask, mostly just to make sure you’re happy.”

 

“That’s, uh, always a tricky question. But compared to say a year ago, yeah I’m happy. I mean, Dean’s alive and here with me, not dead like I thought he was.”

 

“Oh, god, really? How long was he gone for?”

 

“A year, give or take.”

 

“How did you even survive that, Sam?”

 

“It wasn’t easy.  And I didn’t think I was going to at first. But I ended up finding someone who’d also lost the most important person in their life and we kinda held each other up.”

 

“Was Dean jealous when he got back?”

 

“Uh…yeah, he was, something like that. And I was jealous of a friend he brought back from Purgatory, so we’re even on that score. But we’ve gotten past that now.”

 

“You guys need to talk to each other more,” Charlie observed.

 

“You don’t need to tell me that. But Dean is Dean, and there’s only so many words you can get out of him a year. I have to pick and choose.”

 

“See, now that’s why I was asking if you were happy or not. I haven’t had a ton of relationships or anything, but it doesn’t seem right that you have to choose your words like that.”

 

“It’s not, and I know that. But what am I supposed to do about it? I can’t change him, and I wouldn’t want to. He’s everything to me, Charlie.”

 


	10. Chapter 10

_ _

_8.23 “Sacrifice”_

_A conversation with Crowley_

 

After Sam injected him for the final time, Crowley began to weep. “I just want to be loved. Like you love Dean and he loves you. Is that so wrong? To have someone that means everything to you, how can I ever come close to having that?”

 

“I don’t know, Crowley. I can’t explain it. That’s just how it’s always been for us. Honestly, I don’t know if it’s even possible for you. After you’re cured though, who knows, right? Maybe it’ll be like some cosmic do-over,” Sam said, patting at Crowley’s shoulder. 

 

“Not only were you supposed to be the Boy King, but you got to spend your whole life with your soulmate. How lucky could one man be?” Crowley asked, staring up at Sam with some sort of admiration that made Sam deeply uncomfortable.

 

“Cut out the fan-boying, it’s kind of gross, dude,” Sam said.

 

“No, really. How is that fair for one person?”

 

“I lost both of my parents, my girlfriend and was infected with demon blood as a baby. My whole life was arranged for the sole purpose of getting Lucifer out of the Cage. And you’re calling me lucky?”

 

“Yes, Sam, yes I am. You can’t see it, the way your souls are intertwined. I’d forgotten how to look at humans this way. It’s coming back to me now because of this damn cure. I can see how yours yearns towards him when he’s not here. I can even see how there’s a space left inside you where he fits when he returns. It’s indescribably beautiful.”

 

“When you say we’re intertwined, what do you mean?” Sam asked.

 

“Human souls have a form that demons can see, separate from their body. And most people’s are just boring little balls of light. But I’ve never seen soul mates before. And it’s…I really can’t describe it to you Sam, I wish I could. But when you say Dean’s everything to you. I can see exactly what you mean. And you are lucky, even with all the other crap. To have gotten to see this again, it’s just so beautiful, thank you, Sam.”  Crowley finished his monologue by bursting into tears once again.

 

Sam found it pathetic and uncomfortable to watch Crowley’s breakdown, but he couldn’t stop thinking about his description of their souls. It was strange to have someone he hated so much tell him something that he no idea that he needed to hear. After a year of feeling like he’d failed Dean at every turn, maybe this was the lasting legacy he’d be leaving behind for Dean. Maybe Dean would finally get a chance to have his soul be unsullied once Sam was gone.

 


	11. Chapter 11

_ _

_9.01 “I Think I’m Gonna Like It Here”_

_A conversation with Death_

 

“Why do you stay with him?” Death asked.

 

Death didn’t have to specify the person he was referring to, Sam knew. The thought of Dean, who he’d just had to battle to come into this cabin for this very conversation was still thrumming through him. Leaving him behind had been one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do. “He’s everything, that’s why.”

 

“There’s more to it than that, Sam. There must be. If there is a time for honesty, this would be it.”

 

“That’s the only answer there is. The only answer there’s ever been. I said he’s everything, and that’s what I mean. What more could there be?”

 

“Sam, how long have you felt this way about your brother?”

 

“As long as I can remember, maybe since I was five or six.”

 

“The entanglement of souls is always an interesting thing for me to witness. It’s so very rare and quite beautiful.  You know, when I returned your soul to you, I felt it then.  Your soul wasn’t just yours. It belongs to Dean also. And vice versa, obviously.  So, I can say that I understand and accept your answer, as well as I can.”

 

“Thank you, I appreciate hearing that from you. I’m not sure why exactly, but I do. No one has really ever understood me about my answer to that question.”

 

“Samuel Winchester, your brother is the one who needs to understand this, more now than ever, so that he’ll be able to let you go this time.”

 

“I know, he’s never really believed it. And now it’s kind of too late, isn’t it?”

 

“I suppose so. Well, we shall have to hope that he does not upset the balance once again.” Death stood up. “It is time Sam, shall we?”

 


	12. Chapter 12

_ _

_9.08 “Rock and A Hard Place”_

_A conversation with Jody Mills_

 

“We have something special, huh? You have no idea,” Sam scoffed.

 

“Well, tell me this, if you don’t think so, then why do you stay with him?”

 

Sam dug around in his mind for a quick answer and nothing was forthcoming. The answer that always lay at the center of his heart didn’t make immediate sense now. “I always used to tell people when they’d ask me that, he’s everything.”

 

“But he’s not any more?”

 

“He…is…I guess. Just, a lot has changed. He’s done some stuff recently that, well I don’t want to get into it. But let’s leave it at that I’m having a hard time forgiving him or trusting him at this point.”

 

“That doesn’t sound like you guys at all.”

 

“Well, it is, sometimes anyway. Like now.  He saved me by doing something he knew I wouldn’t have wanted, and then he lied to me about it, and wouldn’t even apologize once I finally knew. In fact, he just left me, instead of sticking around to fight it out.”

 

“Wow. That’s pretty big for him. Dean leaving you? It’s hard to imagine him being such a chicken shit.”

 

“Yeah, it was an all-time low for him. And that’s saying something, believe me. I’m trying to work through it, but he won’t talk about it.”

 

“You said he saved you..like, from dying?”

 

“Yeah, I was definitely a goner. He actually interrupted my final conversation with Death.”

 

“You can talk to Death? Why am I still surprised when you tell me these things? Don’t bother answering that. So, did you ask yourself if you’d have done the same thing if the situation were reversed?”

 

“Yeah, and I told him that, I wouldn’t have done the same thing. Which he took the wrong way and assumed I meant that I would have just let him die. Which wasn’t at all what I was saying.” 

 

“Sam, I wasn’t there, and I’m not you, but from what you just said, it sounds like you and Dean need some kind of counseling or something.”

 

Sam laughed, and even to his own ears it sounded slightly unhinged.

 

“No, I’m serious here. He’s still important to you, obviously. And you are to him. What you have is worth saving, worth working on. All I’m saying is, don’t give up on fixing things. It’s possible that it will be better. My husband and I had a few bad patches, once we even went to a counselor, and it helped, just to talk to someone neutral.”

 

“It’s helping already, just talking to you.”

 

“Good, that’s good, Sam. But I’m not exactly neutral here. Listen, I know you’re not going to see a counselor, and you wouldn’t be able to tell them half of this stuff anyway because they wouldn’t believe it. So ask yourself the question, ‘Do I want to stay with Dean and if so, why?’, if you can give yourself a good answer that you believe, then you’ll know what to do.”

 

“I’ll…uh, I’ll try it. Thanks, Jody.”

 


	13. Chapter 13

_ _

_10.22 “The Prisoner”_

_A conversation with Rowena_

 

After he promised to kill Crowley for her, Rowena looked at him for an uncomfortably long amount of time.  “What now?” Sam snapped, tired of her teasing and posturing.

 

“This drive to save your brother, Samuel, just where does it come from, eh?”

 

“None of your business, just get this translated,” Sam insisted, pointing at the Book of the Damned lying on the table between them.

 

“It will help with the spell, if I know where your drive to do this thing comes from, truly,” Rowena said. “Most brothers I’ve ever known would not go to these lengths to save one another. And from what Crowley has told me, you two have done some pretty unexpected things.”

 

“I want to save Dean from the Mark, because he’s my brother. And by that I mean, he’s everything, Rowena, he is everything that is worth anything in this world to me. Is that enough for you?” Sam asked, cringing at having shared such a personal revelation with this loathsome woman.

 

“Oh that’ll do nicely, Samuel. Maybe we can work a Love’s True Kiss into the spell somewhere, eh?” Rowena teased.

Sam stormed out the door and slammed it behind him. He leaned up against it so he could still monitor her.  He wiped a few tears away, the frustration and need to save his brother becoming overwhelming, especially in the face of losing Charlie like that. It was all too much and not enough and he could never just make things right for them. No matter how hard he tried. But he couldn’t give up.

 


	14. Chapter 14

_ _

_11.09 “O Brother Where Art Thou?”_

_A conversation with Lucifer_

 

“Sammy, Sam, Sam-I-Am, c’mon you know you wanna stay in here with me. Why would you ever go back to Dean? He’s the reason you’re in here, again, I might add.”

 

“I’ve been asked that question all my life. I ask it of myself on a regular basis. But you know what it comes down to? Love. I love him. Beyond reason. Beyond what I should ever forgive. More than he’ll ever know or accept. He has been the engine that’s driven me through life, I would have given up long ago if I didn’t have him. He’s everything to me. Everything.  And you are nothing.”

 

Lucifer shook his head in amazement at Sam’s answer. “Well shoot, when you put it like that, guess I’ve got nowhere to go with that line of thinking. But let me riddle you this: If you’re so sure about Dean, then why do you think he doesn’t believe you?”

 

“What he believes or doesn’t believe is not up to me. He’s got self-esteem issues that reminds me a lot of yours. And daddy issues that you’d definitely recognize. I gave up a long time ago trying to manage his beliefs and emotions, it’s pointless. As close as we are, he’s still a separate person.”

 

“You’ve grown up my young padawan. You were so full of anger when I last saw you here. What’s changed?”

 

“I was a lot angrier, you’re right. I think seeing Dean die a few times since then has taken it out of me, the anger’s gotten used up in a way. I spent a lot of time thinking about making use of the time we do have left together. I’m clearer now about my feelings for Dean and us and what we’re supposed to be doing.”

 

“Sam, you know I’ve never lied to you, right?”

 

“I suppose.”

 

“Well, let me just tell you this then, and I don’t mean this as flattery, just as a true observation. Out of all the humans I’ve known, you come the closest to what my Father intended. I wish more of your kind were like you, it would have been easier to take my Father’s rejection if you’d all been so worthy. The grace you show in your forgiveness is something that shines the brightest of all.”

 

“I’m not sure what to say about all that, thanks, I guess. But what you think about me really doesn’t matter much to me at all. You’re not the one I’m doing all this for.”

 

“Man, Dean’s a lucky bastard and he doesn’t deserve you.”

 

“That’s where you’re wrong. Maybe you just don’t know him well enough, but he is a much better human being than I’ll ever be.”

 

“Maybe you’re right, you two saps deserve each other.”

 

“That mean you’ll back off and leave me alone while we’re stuck in limbo here?”

 

“No, of course not. I mean, I do have to be honest…”

 


	15. Chapter 15

_11.10 “The Devil in the Details”_

_Finally…a conversation with Dean, back in the present._

 

Sam comes back to himself, out of the sinkhole of memories he’s been stuck re-hashing for the last hour and a half when the Impala stops inside the Bunker’s well-lit garage.  Dean’s opening the door for him before he can shake himself all the way back to the present enough to operate the door handle himself.  Dean puts a strong hand under his armpit and helps him out of the car, one hand on top of Sam’s head to make sure he doesn’t hit the edge.

 

“You were really out of it. You doing okay?” Dean asks, hoisting Sam all the way to standing and securing an arm around his waist to support Sam.

 

Sam loops one arm around Dean’s shoulders and tries not to put all his weight on Dean. “Yeah, I’m doing better. Good to be home.”

 

“Let’s get you to bed, huh?” Dean asks, walking them up the short flight of stairs to the main hall.

 

“Can I sleep with you, just tonight? I don’t want to…” Sam trails off, embarrassed to be asking.

 

“Of course, my bed’s softer anyway and you’re pretty banged up,” Dean says, trying to sound nonchalant about the sudden chance to have Sam back in his bed for any reason.

 

“You are too, Dean,” Sam says, suddenly so filled with guilt for his brother having to have rescued him from Hell, he feels nauseous.  “I need the bathroom first.”

 

Dean hears the urgency and speeds up his steps guiding them into the large bathroom.

 

“I’ll leave you to it, if you’ll be okay for a sec?” Dean says, stepping away to give Sam privacy.

 

Sam waves him off, glad that Dean won’t have to see this.  He tries to hold off on vomiting up the remains of whatever he ate several days ago into the toilet until Dean’s gone. Doesn’t want to worry him any more than he already is.  There’s not much left, and once that’s done he feels better, but terribly thirsty.  He washes his face and hands at the sink, and gives into the brief pleasure of brushing his teeth, all the while avoiding his own eyes in the mirror. 

 

He’s back at the door to Dean’s room in a few minutes and hears Dean rustling around, turning down the bedcovers, fluffing up the pillows. His big brother being so mother hennish is always so damn charming. There’s a water carafe on what’s usually his side of the bed, newly filled, the cold causing the condensation to bead up and trickle down the cut glass. And a plate with a small stack of saltine crackers. Dean always knows what he needs after losing it like that.

 

Sam sits down on the edge of the bed and pours a glass of water, hand unsteady, but not shaking too much. He empties the glass and follows it with a couple of crackers.  “Thanks, Dean,” he says with a mouthful of cracker crumbs, just to see if Dean will laugh.

 

Dean laughs at Sam’s mumbled messy thank you and slips under the covers on the other side of the bed.

 

Hearing Dean laugh, after the day they’ve had is like a magic energy pill. Sam’s heart speeds up from a level of just barely keeping up with the demand to pumping in excitement. Beating even faster than his joyful and relieved thoughts, _He’s still here, he’s still alive. We’re still here, we’re still alive. Here together._ “I mean it, Dean. Thank you, for coming for me. I knew you would. I told him you would.”

 

“Sorry it took so long for me to get to you,” Dean says, patting the bed beside him.  “C’mon, bed time for heroes, get in here.”

 

Sam nods at the compliment, internally savoring for a moment that Dean would say that out loud to him. He pulls his shirts and jeans off and slides under the covers, immediately curling into Dean’s arms.

 

“Why do you do it, Sammy?” Dean asks, tracing one hand lightly down Sam’s skin from shoulder to elbow and back up again.

 

Sam turns a little in the bed towards Dean, rearranging his head on the pillow so he can see his brother’s face. “Why do I do what, Dean?”

 

Dean looks at him for a long moment, so long that Sam thinks he won’t get an answer. Dean’s focus shifts to his hand, still moving on Sam’s skin. “You know. Stay with me.”

 

Sam reaches up and stops Dean’s hand, engulfing it within his own. He squeezes it gently and strokes his fingers along the tips of Dean’s fingers.  His mind races trying to figure out why Dean would be asking him that question right now. _Had he been talking in his sleep in the car?_   “You really want to know?”

 

Dean snakes his hand out of Sam’s grasp and pulls his body away from Sam’s. “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t, c’mon Sam, all this time, especially with the shit I’ve pulled the last few years. You had more than enough reason to take off, forget you ever had a brother like me.”

 

“That wouldn’t have been possible,” Sam answers, staring at the ceiling and wondering at the  utter impossibility of that idea. To leave Dean, cut him out of his life, attempt to forget him. He tamps down his anger at Dean asking this question at all, for entertaining the possibility of Sam abandoning him after everything.

 

“And why’s that?” Dean presses, voice sounding a little strained at having to keep questioning Sam about something so important to both of them.

 

“I can’t just say it straight out,” Sam says, cringing at the thought of what his brother would do if he does just say it. He recalls what he’d blurted out to Lucifer not all that long ago. How it had convinced an archangel that he was inseparable from Dean.

 

“Why?”

 

“What’s with the twenty questions all of a sudden, dude? I feel like I’m missing something important, you’ve never asked me anything like this before.”

 

“I’ve just been thinking about me killing Death, and how I didn’t even have to question that you’d show up to that place. I knew you’d be there for me, no matter what. Even though I was completely convinced right or wrong, of having to kill you, Sam. And there you were. Down on your knees, showing me what was still worth fighting for. I mean, god, you ended up in the damn Cage with Lucifer again because of what I’d fucked up.  So why the hell would you still want to stay with me when all this bad shit happens.”

 

“I’ll answer you, but first, you tell me why you think I stay.”

“Sometimes, I think it’s just because you feel obligated to because we’re brothers or whatever. Or maybe that you feel like you have to keep an eye on me, keep me on the straight and narrow, be my conscience, all that. I hope it’s more than that, but I really don’t know, Sammy, that’s why I asked.”

“You were closest with the first part, but we’re a whole lot more than brothers or ‘whatever’ and you know it and obligation plays a very small part in my decision. I choose to stay with you because, you’re everything to me, Dean. Everything I want, everything I need, you are everything. No matter what else is going on, my life does not work if you’re not with me.”

 

“I was hoping it was something like that. Same here, by the way, couldn’t imagine it going any other way.”

 

“Me neither, there isn’t another way. We’ve tried ‘em all already, right?  Basically this is what unconditional love looks like,” Sam says, pointing at his own face.  “It might not make sense all the time, but it’s what I feel for you.”

 

Dean’s eyes widen at the last part and he rolls over closer into Sam’s embrace. “Sammy…I can’t…me too, all of it,” Dean murmurs into Sam’s neck. 

 

Sam holds Dean closer than close as his brother hides his face, the emotions probably too strong to display. The small hiccups and breaths that mean Dean is trying to muffle a small breakdown are beautiful to Sam’s ears. They mean that Dean has really heard him this time. He rubs at Dean’s back soothingly and strokes his hair until Dean’s body finally quiets and relaxes.

 

“I was wondering when you’d finally ask me this. So many other people have over the years,” Sam says, breaking the silence that feels so full and powerful, keeping them safe together, separate from the whole world.

 

“Oh yeah, like who?” Dean lifts his head out of the crook of Sam’s neck and wipes his face on the pillow.

 

“Pretty much everyone who’s ever really known us for very long.”

 

“They think you were crazy for sticking with me, or what?”

 

“No, most of them were letting me know they at least partially understood why I would, but they wanted to hear me explain it. The one that came closest to understanding was Death, although Crowley came pretty close once. But you know, Death asked me that, right before you came in and interrupted us in my mind.”

 

“He understood why we were still together?” Dean asks.

 

“Yeah, it was pretty cool, all about how our souls were entangled, and how we owned part of each other’s souls and how beautiful and rare it was to see.”

 

“Wow, that’s kind of awesome.”

 

“I thought so. And then there you were, saying you had a plan, saying there ‘ain’t no me, if there ain’t no you’ and everything. No wonder I said yes, huh?”

 

“Wonder if Death knew what was coming?” Dean asks.

 

“You mean when you swung his own scythe at him instead of me?” Sam asks.  Dean looks up with surprise at Sam’s painfully clear words. He smiles at Sam then, and nods. 

 

‘Probably,” Sam answers with his own smile. “I mean, he did know us and everything.”

 

“I hope I didn’t really kill him,” Dean says.

 

“Me too, he was a strange ally to have, but he was at least fair.”

 

“Sam, I want to try to make it so no one has to ask you that question anymore.”

 

“You do?”

 

“Yeah, I’m gonna work on it. Make it more clear to people who know us. I don’t like the idea that it’s not obvious to everyone that we’re together until the end. Nothing getting between us, ever…”

 

“Well, it kind of is obvious already, they weren’t really questioning us as like a unit or team or anything. It was more about the circumstances of the time when they were asking. And some of them not really knowing our whole story.”

 

“That is kinda important, knowing the whole thing…I mean, to understand why we, uh, you know.”

 

“I do know. But if you want to be more demonstrative or whatever, knock yourself out, I won’t complain unless it gets in the way of working a case.”

 

“Got it, not too much PDA. Hey, uh, can I ask you something else?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“You ever ask yourself the question, before, why you stay with me?”

 

“Uh…I’m not sure how to answer this.”

 

“Why’re you hesitating, Sam?”

 

“Okay, I’ll be honest, yeah, over the years, I did ask myself a few times. Mostly after you’d hit me and I wondered if I was really okay going down the battered spouse road if it came to that. The answer by the way was no, in case you’re wondering. And you don’t really do that anymore, so it’s not something you have to worry about.”

 

“God, I’m sorry, Sammy. Just…hit me back or something if I ever do that to you again.  So it’s been a while then, since you questioned…us sticking together?”

 

“Most recently was probably back when you left me after I kicked Gadreel and Crowley out.”

 

“But not after the demon stuff and the Mark of Cain?”

 

“No, no way.”

 

“Cause after you cured me of being a demon, I asked Cas if he thought you’d be wanting a divorce. I was just joking, but…”

 

“You were really worried about it? That after all that I’d want to just quit and leave you?”

 

“I had just tried to kill you, and said the worst things anyone could ever say to the person they—damn, how can you just forgive me like that?”

 

“I don’t know how, but I do forgive you, of course I do. But it was hard, really damn hard to hear that stuff come out of your mouth, knowing it was part of you, maybe what you really think deep-down in your subconscious. But, Dean, I know you, man. My whole life, I’ve known you. And all that shit was in direct opposition to the whole way you’ve lived your life with me.”

 

Sam worries that he’s maybe said too much, gotten too emotional for Dean to deal with on top of the rest of it. But before he has too much time to worry, Dean shows him, taking his hands in his and drawing Sam over to lay on top of him. Dean cradles Sam’s face in both of his hands and looks deeply into his eyes. “I’m so glad you know me, Sammy. God, you have no idea what it means that there’s someone in this world who does.”

 

“I do know. That’s pretty much the point, Dean,” Sam says, leaning down to kiss Dean, softly at first, passion kindling quickly between them, even though they’re still in pain from the beating they took in the Cage.

 

“Never go there again, okay? Never leave me like that again, you hear me? Thought I’d lost you again,” Dean murmurs between their lips.

 

Sam pulls back and looks at Dean in surprise. “I won’t, not ever. I promise, Dean.” He seals his promise with a slow kiss that deepens into something that takes them both by surprise. 

 

Soon they’re both grinding against each other, slow and steady and it feels so damn good. To have the pleasure in his body match what’s in his heart right now. The clear joy that talking about all of this together makes it all feel even more perfect than usual. Sam reaches over to get the lube out of the drawer and warms some up in his hand. Dean pulls both of their boxers down and Sam takes their hardnesses into his slicked-up hand. Dean thrusts against him, keeping that mind-blowing steady slow pace until Sam can’t take it anymore. 

 

Sam flips them over so that Dean’s on top and pulls Dean’s ass down hard with one hand forcing him to thrust harder and faster into the circle of Sam’s hand. The glide and friction and heat surrounds them, pulling them both over the edge. They come together, with each other’s names on their lips. 

 

Sam cleans them up with someone’s shirt and pulls Dean up against him, closer than close once again, tangling their legs together so that all he can feel is Dean everywhere.

 

“You’re everything to me too you know,” Dean murmurs as he falls into sleep against Sam’s chest.

 

Sam smiles at his brother’s words, hand tightening on the nape of Dean’s neck. “Yeah, everything, Dean.”

 

 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Art for That Question Again by smalltrolven](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14730971) by [millygal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/millygal/pseuds/millygal)




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